Question: What do You Think of the First Page of My Story?
So here I was at school yet again, the First day of my sophomore year. My I-Pod headphones were crammed in my ears to block out the complete chaos that surrounded me at Imperial High, the private school everyone dreads to return to. As the yellow monster, the bus, pulls up to the school, I see the purple and gold sign that reads in large letters “IMPERIAL HIGH SCHOOL” and then under the school’s name in small letters, it reads, “HOME OF THE IMPERIAL ROMANS”.
Great. Of course I had to return from beautiful Oregon from visiting my extending family and returning back to the bustling streets of New York, New York.
“Hear We Go Again” by Paramore was blasting in my eardrums on the crowded bus. The bus made a screeching halt as we all stood up. Everyone rushed into the isle trying to be first off the bus; afraid they would be trampled if they were in the middle. I just waited until the last person passed by my and I casually walked behind him. I got off the bus and stood there for a minuet trying to find at least one of my friends, preferably Damien Scarborough, my best friend since second grade. I hadn’t talked to Damien since the last day of school last year. We would’ve seen each other over the summer, but Damien had to go to England for one of his father’s business trips.
I looked around everywhere for him, but I could’t find him anywhere. I decided to go into the school. Damien was probably waiting for me at my locker. I turned my I-Pod down so low I could just barley hear to try to pick up on other people’s conversations.
Although I know eavesdropping is bad, how could I help myself? I hadn’t seen these people for three months and here at Imperial High, nothing is normal.
Today was different though. No one was talking about summer or the hot parties that everyone was invited to…if you were popular. All I heard was, “Oh my God! Did you read Breaking Dawn? Oh my God, it was so great!” and “…Have you seen the guy that’s going to play Edward in the Twilight movie? Oh my God he is so hot! And how could I forget about Jacob?”
God, I thought. Why is everyone so obsessed with Twilight? It’s not that special. Although I also enjoyed Twilight, everything had begun to go a bit overboard. Twilight t-shirts, posters, a movie! What was going to be next, life size mannequins of Edward and Bella?
To escape the constant rants about Twilight, I turned the music back up again and walked through the huge glass doors.
As soon as I was inside, I sprinted down to the east wing of the school to my locker. Half way down the hall, I stopped dead in my tracks.
Shoot! I thought. First day of school and it’s ruined. Why did they east wing’s janitor’s closet need to be closed down due to a toxic leak last year?
I had no where to run, the closest janitor’s closet was in the southern wing and that would take me at least five minuets to run to- I did’t have that much time. What was I to do? Just stand here and act like I don’t see her or try my hardest to make it to the janitor’s closet? I guess I could just stay there, it would’t matter that much.
But her, Kylie Therston, a junior, hated me so much. The best thing to do was just stick up whatever she had coming to me.
Just then, Kylie came up to me and stopped, putting her bony arm on her tiny waist and Josh, Kylie’s younger brother in my sophomore class, followed her with a look of displeasure on his face.
“Well, well, well. Look whom we have here. It’s little miss Ember Stapleton.” Kylie said with a snicker.
So this is the first Page of my Story. Please tell me what you Think of it. I really want you to tell me what you think and give me as much advice as you can. I have not had a chance to edit it yet so please don't remind me of my spelling errors and gramatical errors.
Relation Questions:
Answer:
its great but here are a few pieces of constructive criticism i want to highlight:
-i would leave the description 'As the yellow monster, the bus' as just the yellow monster, as you mention the bus later on (you don't want to make it too obvious for the reader).
-i'm not sure how people would react to your description of twilight
-your paragraphs could be shortened a bit further like before you mention the bus (a new subject)
-misspellings like minuet instead of minute.
Otherwise, fantastic. I can never come up with a good page, I have a great starter paragraph but it disintegrates from there
Excellent. Keep writing.
WOWIE! This is awesome. How long did it take you to write it? Keep up the good work! I like how you totally introduced yourself with saying who your enemy is, who your best friend is, and so on. It rocks!
well your story was intresting to me at the beggining when it started to talk about your sophomore year. i liked how you use similies to describe things. i think that was really good i was going to correct you in some of your writting but you said that you havent edit it yet but i did see a few mistakes. anyways i personally did like it but try to describe a little bit more how everybody was in school. it was also good when you started to talk about twilight that every body was gossiping about that not party's or anything else. your first page is sounding pretty good keep on finishing your story i want to read the next pages.
heaps cool, i'd definitely keep reading but aren't book and song titles under copyright or something?
keep it up.
I enjoyed reading your story, and I have a few comments. Hope you take them with a positive viewpoint.
You painted a very clear picture of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, and how you feel about it. Lots of people will be able to identify with your first day back at school. good job.
I was confused about the east wing, the janitor's closet, the toxic leak, what in the world is this leading up to? if it turns out it's not important, cut it from the story.
good luck with the rest
I think the story is great so far and i like the reference to twilight...i read alot of books but im picky about what i read and this sounds like something i would enjoy reading!So keep writing and good luck..I hope it gets published and maybe when you are done you could email it to me! well goodluck on your book!
Hey Fallen,
I really enjoyed reading your first page. The first thing that struck me about your work is that I read through from start to finish without stopping which is a great sign that something is interesting. You know that feeling you get when a movie starts and if it's good you are engrossed straight away. All your surroundings fade away and only following the movie matters. That's what reading your writing is like. It seems like you are a natural at story-telling.
Some observations/comments for you:
I didn't feel like I was making any effort to read which is the most important ingredient a story-teller can have; being able to captivate your audience and make them feel that you are in complete command of your story.
Your writing is concise and you can explain details without making people feel like they are reading a list.
Your story is 'of the moment' with your reference to Ipod and Twilight. As someone else said, many people will be able to relate to the setting, returning to school, wondering what everyone else has been up to, where your friends are and so on. Therefore readers will feel more of an emotional connection and be able to put themselves in Embers shoes and experience the story with her.
You set the opening for a new and important character to enter at a later stage, your friend, Damon. This creates interest straight away, When's he coming back? What did he do/see in London and what was the experience like? What does his father do?
Your vocabulary and sentence construction is good.
That's about it for my initial impressions. Conclusion? Keep writing and nurturing your gift. Oh and keep us posted with what happens next :) I'd like to follow your story as you write if you wouldn't mind having a fan? What genre/s would you like to write in?