Question: He was abusive; she was a stranger. any advice on how to get over a terrible childhood?
my father had a short, violent temper. he'd beat my siblings on any and every occaision, but not me. i'd watch and think today she will die from this beating. because i was a child who didnt know any better. weekends, holidays, birthdays, summer vacations, every single year of my life all of these were hacked to pieces with his anger and mood swings. my mother was a hapless drama queen who couldnt stand up to him, but after he'd walk out of the house following one of his rages, she would lecture us kids on why we couldnt be more 'good' and not piss him off. these lectures sometimes lasted 3 hours and were directly after his beatings. she used us to vent about her life and how sad HER life was. she was stuck i can see that now, but a hug would have helped. it never came.
i never disclosed my childhood trauma to friends, i was fiercely private and wanted to appear 'normal'. but my grades, choice of friends suffered. i was a rebel, a lazy student. no one at home cared what grades i got.
i was always scared of authority, and was a very tense and unhappy child. i'd be the child at a park or swimming pool seeing other happy families and wishing i could walk over and join them for life. i also wished my father dead many many times.
i battled low self esteem, insecurity over my looks, myself, and went thru years of poor relationships with men getting my self-respect whipped with terrible choices trying to work out the issues i'd been dealt with.
today i am in my 30's and have come thru well i think. i have a most amazing and supportive husband and i have regained my self-esteem and respect thru some serious introspective thinking and faith! i'm very happy with my life right now.
but i dont know what to do with these memories.
dont get me wrong, i'm not morose or depressed but a big chunk of my life was spent quivering at my father's footsteps and that has left its mark. i see my husband being a wonderful father to my baby girl and its bittersweet. i wish i'd had that. just random stuff like that.
having a child has brought back many sad memories. how do i deal with it? its not to the point that it disturbs my working life, but i dont quite know where to put this chest of memoires. its a part of me, and i dont know how to look at it from a distance. i havent learned that yet. i know others have been thru worse. but to those who have had a happy childhood, you dont know how terribly scarred you get from an unhappy one.
i have reconnected with a lot of friends from facebook and they are largely successful and are so well educated, in amazing jobs. because i was never self motivated and too busy battling inner problems, studies was never an issue. i am a very intelligent person, and i feel my childhood came in the way of a life that could have been more purposefully used. i could have studied something, been someone too. :( i am a very satisfied stay at home mom, but sometimes i do think, what if i'd also been supported and guided at home? where would i have been today? i wonder what i could have become.
these thoughts make me sad on some days.... please help me with whatever advise you can give on how i can be a happier person, taking my childhood with me and being at peace with it. thanx.
Relation Questions:
Answer:
One good thing is it has brought you to this man and your baby. Without your life experiences, you would not be there. It is where you are supposed to be.
As to getting over it, try writing a letter to each parent, say everything you want to say. Put the blame exactly where it belongs. Then decide whether to mail it or not. If you choose not to, burn it and say goodbye to all the pain in those words. It sounds odd, but it does help.
If you feel you could have done something more, try taking an at home course. Slowly earn a degree.
I think your life WAS "more purposely used". You coped. You survived. You have strength your regained friends might not have.
Well this is sort of long, but I would suggest you go to a counselor or a therapist.
It's a sad story and I actually think you don't need counselling as you have worked through the issues so well on your own.
But perhaps there are still a few things you can do.
First, remember that even people from happy families had some struggles and bad moments - no one has a perfect family (although I appreciate yours was very bad)
Second, don't let the memories of your childhood take away the joy of your relationships with your child and your husband and your happy family life now. Enjoy the moment and rejoice that you can give a happy life to your child. Relive your childhood with her - go out and play together and in your heart be a child too. Don't miss this opportunity for joy.
Thirdly, enjoy motherhood. I did well at school and got a good job. However, I'm not working at all just now as I don't want to miss being with my children. Later, when they are older I'll go back to work. Later when your children are older there will be lots of opportunities for you to find a job and work your way up or train to do something. If you are intelligent, you will succeed, but for now there is no rush.
There is a lot of purpose in being a mother. You can't relive the past, but look forward. As it says in Anne of Green Gables - tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.
You said you had faith. I always remember the quote which says something like "I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year. Give me a light that I may step out into the unknown. And he said to me, put your hand into the hand of God for that will be to you better than light and safer than a known way.
You need to talk about this with someone who doesnt mind listening to all of it over and over. A counselor would be that person. I had a similar childhood so I know what youre feeling. Talking will help get it out and also having goals in your life so youre looking ahead and not behind you. If you find yourself dwelling on it too much it means you have too much free time on your hands. You can find ways to keep busy by volunteering, or having an enjoyable hobby or a part time job.
The thing about talking to trusted friends and family is they get tired of hearing it and expect you to just get over it. Thats why a counselor is better. It doesnt matter if they are a paid "friend", the point is that talking about it actually does help. Find one who you feel real comfortable with and you will find yourself feeling better about things.
I think you need counselling to help you through it.
If you find the right counsellor, it really can help a lot.
Are you in the UK? If so, visit this website www.kooth.co.uk
and made contact with one of the counsellors there.